Pure Love: What is it and how to create it. Hey Cristina September 4, 2016 7141 There is a form of love that exists. It is the purest form of love. It is totally unprocessed and totally untouched. It does not waver and bend with the winds. It does not sink and drown with the oceans, but it surpasses all entities, all elements, all emotions, all judgments. It is purely love. When we are younger the first people who tell us they love us are typically our parents. You mother says she loves you, but then she spanks you when you act in a way she disagrees with. That sends a confusing idea of what love is. Our parents tell us they love us, but then they admonish us for being who we are when we are teenagers. They judge us and make us feel wrong for being ourselves or for exploring ourselves. The idea of love is now tainted, from a very early stage in life. It is no longer pure, it is conditional love. “I will love you as long as you behave this way.” This is not love. As we grow older we fall in love with other people. We experience a new form of love and it is overpowering and raw. Finally someone who accepts us as us. Finally someone who understands me. Someone who will not judge me, but then time passes and communication is not a well developed skill and trust is broken. Trust breaks because communication isn’t well kept. Judgements happen because communication is not happening. Pain happens because expectations are created. All of these things enter into this sacred circle of love. All of these other things that are not love at all enter into the realm of what we know as love. We have to separate love from all these other things. Those are not love. Love is an energy, a chemical reaction, an emotion, but it is also something more philosophical than that. It is something deeper than that because we are humans experiencing consciousness. There is more to love than the physical reaction. Love is without pain. Pain is not derived of love. Pain is caused by something other than love. Pain is caused by deceit. It is caused by loss. It is caused by confusion. It is caused by assumptions. It is caused by many other things, but none of them are love. Love is painless. If we desire to create this pure form of love, then we must actively seek it at all times. The moment we become lazy about seeking it is the moment we slip into the tainted world and its definitions of love. I do not know if we can ever have a pure form of love. Maybe that is something only the spirits, mother earth and the universe can truly express, but I think we can try to be the best we can be so that even if we fall short we are still much further ahead than we were before. Here are my thoughts on how to actively create this environment of love. Trust I believe that in order to gain open and honest communication you must have a firm foundation in trust. With trust comes security, but trust is the root. The roots must be strong and they must grow deep into the earth so that as the relationship grows, the tree grows, and it will be able to grow limitlessly towards the heavens. Trust is something that must be constantly provided. Each person in the growing relationship, whether friends, lovers, children, parents, each person has to actively show and provide trust to the other person. It means nothing to have once earned trust a year ago, but in the present constantly break that trust. The trust is gone then. Each person has to constantly create an environment of trust otherwise the act of communication will break down. Trust is the first and most important step to build. Without it all other things will fall. In order to create an environment of pure love one has to actively create a safe space. It must be safe to express yourself fully. Your partner or friend must feel comfortable to speak to you and to express themselves without fear of judgements. They must feel that they can trust you to just love them. When you create judgements, you create a space that feels unsafe. It feels scary to speak. Remember to just love each other and allow each person to express themselves. Do not be scared of your friend or parent’s or child’s feelings. It is scary to be the one expressing the feelings sometimes, so remember to be strong when listening. Be aware, listen closely, ask questions when you don’t understand, but always remember to react in love. React kindly and allow them to be them without constraints. This is essential in maintaining a pure type of love within the relationship. It is difficult for some to express themselves. People have experienced various forms of judgements, expectations, and lack of security or trust with other individuals and depending on those factors it may be harder for people to feel safe in the environments you create for them, but all I can say is continue to provide that space of safety. Continue to love purely. Trust cannot be forced. Always use your own judgements on who to trust. Trust is not something everyone deserves nor is it something everyone can maintain. Some people abuse your trust and show you that it does not exist. Trust is learned. You will learn who you can and cannot trust, but if you want to create a space where pure love can manifest itself into your life then you absolutely must have trust. Trust will open that doorway to honest communication and as that door creeps open you can slowly enter into the world of pure love. Open Communication Once trust is well established in the relationship the environment for open communication is created. Communication and trust tend to grow together, but oftentimes communication halts at a certain point. Maybe it is because one of the individuals cannot communicate well. Maybe it is because one of the individuals has been hurt and does not know how to express themselves. Either way, if both people involved want pure love to exist between them, they not only have to create an environment of trust, but of well developed communication. This means expressing how you feel even if it is uncomfortable. It means expressing what bothers you to the other person as clearly as you can even if you feel it is unimportant. The things we feel are small and unimportant often go uncommunicated and in the end build up. This buildup leads to less communication, it leads to less trust, and it leads to a lesser loving environment. Communication is the doorway to creating an environment of pure love. It is something that must be constantly attended to. Remember that trust is first. If there is no trust communication will be hard to establish, so work on whatever step you need first. If trust is there work on communication. If communication is not there work on trust. Each of these steps are not easy and they take months, years to even establish so do not rush. Be patient. Love requires lots of patience. Growing up parents often ignore what children are trying to communicate by shutting them down, telling them to stop crying or to go in time out when they are angry. Instead of trying to understand where the child is coming from and why they are expressing these emotions parents shut them out entirely. Children never learn how to truly express themselves and they never understand what it is like to be heard by someone who loves them. As kids grow older and become teenagers they experience a lot of anger and distress. They don’t have anyone they really trust to express themselves to because their parents have already cut off communication. As adults this becomes a real problem because as children we were not taught to communicate our feelings effectively and now as adults we suffer in relationships because of our inability to communicate. Most of us have been shut down from the time we were toddlers. So communication is essential, but it can be more difficult for some people to express themselves and you may be one of those people, but we are all capable of learning and growing. We can overcome many battles if we truly want to. If you are not a good communicator work on it. Work on it at all times during the day. If you want to experience pure love and if you want to experience that will someone else, you must work on this skill. There are two aspects of creating pure love. One side is where you are the one actively creating it, but the other side is you are the one receiving it. If you desire this pure love then you must also be strong enough to hear what the other person has to say. They may not always feel the way you want them to feel. They may not always respond to situations the way you want them to respond. You have to be open and honest. You have to learn to hear other people even when it is different from what you expected or want. If you show the other person that they cannot communicate honestly and openly with you then they will close off to you. They will not let you in if you continuously judge their emotions and feelings. That leads me to the next step in actively creating pure love. Judgements and Expectations Both judgements and expectations can be used as indicators of how communication may be lacking within the relationship. Both things lead to a less loving environment because when communication lacks, trust can lack, and this idea of pure love will cease to exist. Both of these can be used in positive ways and can be necessary in some situations involving love. For example, someone who has broken your trust may be judged in different scenarios because of that. This is not a bad thing because you can use these judgements to either keep you away from the same situations, but if you have been working on trust then judgements can get in the way of learning to trust each other. This is where communication sets in. When you are working on building something up and judgements creep into your mind, remember to ask questions. Express the feelings you have, the judgements you may be making, but express them in a way that is meant to be loving. Do not express them in a way to belittle the other person. Do not express them with angry emotions. Be calm. Realize you are making judgements, understand if you have good reason to make those judgements, and if you have good reasons express your concerns. If you do not have good reasons then let it go. There is no point in holding on to negative judgements of a person you are loving. You want them to feel loved, not judged. Always communicate though. Always express yourself. Even if feels silly. Expectations are not inherently bad either. They can be used in a positive way as well, but if they are returning negative results then there is probably a lack of communication between you and the other person. Expectations, when gone unspoken, lead to hurt feelings. Hurt feelings lead to lower levels of trust. When we feel hurt we do not feel safe and without safety we do not have communication. Do not create expectations of each other. Especially ones that have not been verbally confirmed. Expectations can be good. They can be a good way to build trust. If you are building a relationship with your mother and you expect her to be kind and nonjudgmental, then when you express something of yourself you are extending a certain amount of trust that she will uphold her end. If she does not and she turns around and believes ideas she made up in her head that can hurt the level of trust and communication you are trying to build and that can be a signal to step away until more trust and communication has been built. Expectations are good, just like judgements, but they have to be used in a way that builds. Remember to never create expectations of another person without fully communicating the idea. When creating this sacred space where pure love can manifest, I think that judgements and unspoken expectations tend to dissipate on their own. When we love purely and we trust in each other, we communicate openly there is no room for judgments and unspoken expectations to occur. If the relationship contains one or both of these things then it may be a lack of communication on your end or the other individual, but whoever it is one of you must open dialogue about the situation. If these actions are entering the sacred space, then go back and communicate. If you cannot communicate, then trust is lacking for one reason or another and that will need to be nurtured. Please, always remember to trust your intuition. Remember that judgements are not a bad thing to have. They are good. They become negative when you or the other person make judgements without communicating. It becomes unloving when we respond to those judgements in anger. This will only lead to less trust and less communication and those are the two most important things in maintaining pure love. If you do not expect things that have not been communicated to be expected you will not feel hurt and you will not feel deceived. Do not ever expect anything that has gone unspoken. Listen to what your partner, child, parent, expresses to you. Hear them. Truly hear what they are saying and take every word as it is presented. If you do not understand communicate. Remember to not judge them for what they are feeling, but try to understand them. Remember that expectations are often what hurts us more than reality. We build scenarios up in our minds and expect them to play out that way and when they don’t we are devastated. We feel like we have been lied to, but really we lied to ourselves by creating unspoken expectations. It is one thing to expect something that has been explicitly expressed. It is another to expect something because you assumed it was what they meant when they were expressing themselves. Be sure to differentiate the two experiences. Pure love requires trust and if you cannot trust the other person to keep their word then communication fails and the door to pure love is locked once again. Final Thoughts Pure love is easy, but it may feel difficult at first because the idea of what love is has been tainted for such a long time. We think we experience love but we are really only experience small aspects of love intertwined with things that are unloving. We have been confusing love with so many other things for most of our lives it is hard as an adult to reprogram what love actually is. Especially when we have been hurt by many people who have told us they loved us. It is not easy to break old habits and old ideologies. It is hard work to create and maintain a space of pure love. It may not even be possible for us as human beings to ever create such a space. I cannot promise anything because I am learning how to create the space for the purest form of love to exist myself. These steps are just my own ideas based on my own experience of love and I feel they are only scraping the top of the surface. There is much work to be done on an individual level in order to reach this state of pure love, but I believe we can accomplish this. I believe in the end pure love will lead us to not only a freer individual, but freer relationships and a freer society. Pure love already exists. I can see it in the form of nature. She is already there. All we need to do is create the space for it to exist. We have to be active in this. We must create that space and it must come with trust and honest communication that is free of judgements and free of unspoken expectations. These things will create a beautiful environment for love to thrive in. It will also build up the foundation of your friendship with the strongest of roots that will reach into the depths of the earth. If we want to experience love it is up to us, not anyone else. It is up to us to create this environment and there we can witness the beauty and awe of what love can actually be.