Recently I have been experiencing many moments where I have difficulty putting my feelings into words. This is an unusual problem for me as I am typically great with expressing myself verbally. But let me try for a moment to open my skull and release some of these thoughts….
I am not sure where I am going. I have been feeling trapped. I have been feeling overwhelmed. I have spent the last 6 plus months “in my cave”, exploring my own heart and mind, and absorbing mass amounts of knowledge. Sometimes I wonder, what’s the point?
Sometimes I ask myself, “If I am not a journalist or an activist, what am I? Who am I?” After focusing so much of my life on these activities it’s hard to imagine what I might be without these labels. I want to travel the world, meet beautiful people, and educate the world about important issues. At the same time, I just want to run away to my own paradise and say screw all of you, I am going to take care of myself.
The truth is this stream of consciousness rambling is due to a lack of happiness or contentment that I have been feeling. I don’t want to elaborate too much but within the next month or so I believe I will have more to say.
I feel stuck in many ways. I also feel blessed. I never forget my blessings and always remain thankful.
Even still, I tend to doubt or question my purpose. I saw a vision years ago that showed me the path I am walking. I have seen what I am capable of and I foresee what I can do. I want to create and build an autonomous, principled community of empowered individuals. AND I don’t want to owe anyone anything and want the freedom to pick up and leave when ever I desire.
For clarity’s sake let me explain that my brain operates on several levels at the same time. I can see my complaints and my fears and worries, and another piece of my consciousness is calling me an ungrateful brat who is too self-absorbed to see the infinite opportunities in front of me. All the levels and all the thoughts have some truth in them.
I am not currently sure how to balance out all these seemingly conflicting thoughts and fears but I know that what is meant to happen will happen.
For now, I am taking time to myself to really attempt to understand who I am and what it is I desire from this life.
Thanks for listening. Be sure to bookmark this page for more of my thoughts.
– D
“There are times, however, and this is one of them when even
being right feels wrong. What do you say, for instance, about a
generation that has been taught that rain is poison and sex is death? If
making love might be fatal and if a cool spring breeze on any summer
afternoon can turn a crystal blue lake into a puddle of black poison
right in front of your eyes, there is not much left except TV and
relentless masturbation. It’s a strange world. Some people get rich and
others eat shit and die.” ~ Hunter Thompson