Recently I have been experiencing many moments where I have difficulty putting my feelings into words. This is an unusual problem for me as I am typically great with expressing myself verbally. But let me try for a moment to open my skull and release some of these thoughts….
I am not sure where I am going. I have been feeling trapped. I have been feeling overwhelmed. I have spent the last 6 plus months “in my cave”, exploring my own heart and mind, and absorbing mass amounts of knowledge. Sometimes I wonder, what’s the point?
Sometimes I ask myself, “If I am not a journalist or an activist, what am I? Who am I?” After focusing so much of my life on these activities it’s hard to imagine what I might be without these labels. I want to travel the world, meet beautiful people, and educate the world about important issues. At the same time, I just want to run away to my own paradise and say screw all of you, I am going to take care of myself.
The truth is this stream of consciousness rambling is due to a lack of happiness or contentment that I have been feeling. I don’t want to elaborate too much but within the next month or so I believe I will have more to say.
I feel stuck in many ways. I also feel blessed. I never forget my blessings and always remain thankful.
Even still, I tend to doubt or question my purpose. I saw a vision years ago that showed me the path I am walking. I have seen what I am capable of and I foresee what I can do. I want to create and build an autonomous, principled community of empowered individuals. AND I don’t want to owe anyone anything and want the freedom to pick up and leave when ever I desire.
For clarity’s sake let me explain that my brain operates on several levels at the same time. I can see my complaints and my fears and worries, and another piece of my consciousness is calling me an ungrateful brat who is too self-absorbed to see the infinite opportunities in front of me. All the levels and all the thoughts have some truth in them.
I am not currently sure how to balance out all these seemingly conflicting thoughts and fears but I know that what is meant to happen will happen.
For now, I am taking time to myself to really attempt to understand who I am and what it is I desire from this life.
Thanks for listening. Be sure to bookmark this page for more of my thoughts.
“There are times, however, and this is one of them when even
being right feels wrong. What do you say, for instance, about a
generation that has been taught that rain is poison and sex is death? If
making love might be fatal and if a cool spring breeze on any summer
afternoon can turn a crystal blue lake into a puddle of black poison
right in front of your eyes, there is not much left except TV and
relentless masturbation. It’s a strange world. Some people get rich and
others eat shit and die.” ~ Hunter Thompson