It can be hard to take a compliment sometimes, but research at The Gottman Institute has shown that even people with high self-esteem need a balance of at least four times as many positive comments as critical comments just to maintain good will and positive feelings in their relationships. Most of us need a lot more than that!
Now I don’t know what it was like for you growing up, but I never forget the quote from How to Win Friends and Influence People, it goes: “Once I did bad and that I heard ever. Twice I did good, but that I heard never.” – Dale Carnegie
Have you expressed your appreciation for the ones around you lately?
Positive feedback costs you nothing, and there are a few ways to make it stick.
Descriptive Compliments
While not everyone takes a compliment easily, you will find this happens less if you give more descriptive praise. Sometimes if you use simple adjectives like “you are so… beautiful/intelligent/funny/kind” it activates people’s inner critic and they reject it. Or they might feel like they always have to live up to the judgement to stay “good” in your eyes. No one always feels like being kind, and no one always has something clever or or funny to say. Worse still for you if you looks start to fade and you’ve always derived your self esteem from being complimented on your beauty.
Here are some examples of descriptive praise which will help you learn the trick:
- Rather than simply telling your friend you think they are a “great actor”, you say something like, “I really enjoyed the pauses you took during the “to be or not” to be speech. I have never heard it performed that way before.”
- Instead of saying, “You are so knowledgeable!”, you say something like, “I found that story really inspiring, I learned a lot from listening to you, I never knew so many factors went into causing the Fall of Rome…”
- Instead of saying, “You’re so creative!” you can say, “I really liked that song, I’m amazed you’ve written so many of them, and that you do the art for your website as well. I particularly liked this lyric… It made me feel…”
- Instead of saying “you are such a good listener”, you say, “The fact I can talk to you about anything makes me feel very supported.”
Each of these responses reveals your inner world and invites the person to discuss their passion or accept your compliment graciously. You are speaking of your own experience rather than passing judgement upon them.
Say What You See
You can also give praise in the form of a description of what you see, as this invites people to praise their own work. Supposing you made a scarf for someone. Imagine how much happier you would be they turned around and said: “Oooh… look at this rich blue colour and these even stitches here,” rather than simply saying, “This scarf is really beautiful.”
Instead of Just Saying Thanks – Point Out How They Helped You
Comment on the practical value of what someone has done, for example:
- “I felt so much more relaxed when I came into the kitchen and saw that you had cleaned it. That is one less thing for me to worry about…”
- “Thanks for making lunch. That allowed me to keep working instead of having to stop to cook or go to the shop and allowed me to get much more done.”
- “This scarf will keep me warm all day.”
- “These reports are really accurate and will save me a lot of time before the meeting.”
- “Thank you so much for helping me move my stuff, it would have been a real headache without the car.”
Try also not to give compliments that actually point to previous weaknesses, eg. “I noticed you didn’t forget your bus pass this week!”, as it may irk people.
Change Your World
When we fail to invest in our relationships, resentment begins to set in – and resentment is relationship cancer. When you increase the good will in your relationships people come to see you as a source of support, security and love and will tend to want to be more of a support to you too. Keep planting seeds and soon begin to see how your world grows warmer. Make a fun game of spotting things you can remark positively on.
Have fun and happy praise-giving! 🙂
Communication and relationship coaching with Antony: beyourselfandloveit.com